Elseworlds 2.0: The FF Star in The Brave & The Bold #28

Here’s our second foray into the world of “What If Marvel Superheroes invaded the famous moments of DC Comics?”

This time, instead of the first family of Marvel Comics taking on a creature from inner space, they attempt to take down an invader from outer space in the first appearance of the JLA. Unfortunately, in either scenario … Sue Storm looks more than a little helpless. Oh, Sue, just look pretty … until the Byrne years. That’s when you start kicking ass.

Let's be honest, the Invisible Girl is more useful here than Aquaman.

Elseworlds 2.0: Quicksilver Races in from Earth 3

Got to thinking about what if Marvel characters were placed in some of the most famous DC stories/covers? How would it change things? So, here’s my thought about how our favorite silver-haired, supersonic curmudgeon, Quicksilver, would handle the famous peril of Flash #123 … turns out, not so well.

Ah, he'll get the next guy tomorrow ...

Ben Grimm – This Man. This Mobster.

Again in honor of CBR’s Top 10 Panels in Marvel history …

After enduring years of merciless teasing from his childhood rivals, Benjamin Grimm returned to rule Yancy Street not as a superhero, but as the boss, The Rockfather.

Let's face it, Ben can rock out some pin stripes. (Pun very much intended.)

Mary Jane is Clairvoyant …

In honor of CBR’s 70 most iconic panels, I thought I’d update #1 just a bit …

Gabbin’ with Wonder Man …

Ahh! Those wacky Avengers kick back and enjoy a “costumes on” convo at the Mansi0n.

P.S. The cucumber sandwiches Jarvis made that were to die for. 

It's a little scary that I didn't have to alter Cap's posture or dialogue in any way to make this joke work.

Ben Grimm Suffered for His Art …

And, you thought The Thing was just for hittin’ stuff …

TGIW! Odin the All-Knowing Doesn’t Like Spoilers

Even across the Rainbow Bridge it be Wednesday and Odin is heading to raid his reserve box at Valhalla Comics & Sundires.

The birth of a smartass … a Marvel Smartass ..

The Disney aquisition of Marvel got me thinking about how it all began.

If you can’t tell from my facial expression, this was the single greatest day of my young little life.

Avengers Assemble! (Part II) – Original Avengers Marvel 70th Logo

I know Cap wasn’t an “original” Avenger and Giant-Man came around issue 2 and this isn’t the golden Iron Man … but that’s just splitting hairs. There are incarnations of the Avengers I confess I love more (ANY team with Black Knight makes my list), but it’s hard to beat the initial six. And, it’s 100% King Kirby. Let me know whatcha think!

As you can see, the Hulk is already bolting for the door ...

And lo, there shall be a beginning!

I’d start with a witty intro paragraph, but … nah!

Galactus wanna sell some merchandise, yo!

Cap shares his feelings on the Disney/Marvel deal …

‘Nuff said!

Cap is quite the market savvy investor.

Children of the Atom – Marvel 70th Anniversary X-Men Logo

In honor of the original Xavier Institute graduates, I mutated the 70th logo to show Bobby, Warren, Hank, Scott & Jean in all their glory!

Avengers Assemble! Marvel 70th Anniversary Wackos Logo

We’re going back to Cali … to Cali … to Cali … This is a very special tribute to the book that made me a Marvel fan for life … the West Coast Avengers. I loved the Wackos and still do. This is a shout-out to writer Jim McCann, the keeper of the Wackos flame!

Sweet Christmas! Marvel 70’s 70th Anniversary Logo

Marvel’s kung fu is better than your kung fu! I took a day off, but I think it was worth it. Now, I’m going to play some disco and do some blow! (Nah, I’ll probably just work on another logo.)

The Longest 60 Seconds of Thor’s Half-Life

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: BONUS ROUND … ZOUNDS!

After watching several failed attempts to breach in invisible dome-like barrier growing in New York, Thor decides, “Hark! I shall hurleth mine enchanted uru hammer into yon impenetrable barrier, by Balder’s bladder! This shall I do, by Odin’s Beard! Don’t try to stop me, the Odinson, by Surtur’s Fire! Odd’s blood and yea verily, I shall not be dissuaded, by Volstagg’s Buffet! By Sif’s Ample Bosom, my course is set, come Ragnarok or high water. Here throweth it I, by Loki’s Wii!”

Umm … it didn’t work out well, forcing him to scamper from the scene like that astronaut who wore diapers. On that note, Cap (having a bad “A” day) is actually referencing the little-known and rather delicate sub-level enchantment: 

• The first is Mjolnir always returns to Thor’s hands.
• The second is after 60 seconds without yon hammer he reverts to Donald Blake.
• The third is only those “worthy” (ELITISTS!) may wield the hammer of Thor.
• The fourth is … well …  the hammer may be bereft of motion, but … about the astronaut and those diapers …

 

TGIW! – Cyclops Needs His Comics Fix

‘Nuff said!

Cyke be trippin'!

Across the Universe – Marvel’s Cosmic 70th Anniversary Logo

Far out, man! Here’s the latest 70th Anniversary Logo … Marvel’s Cosmic Heroes. So many to choose from, Moondragon and Marvel Boy (The Uranian) just missed the cut. And, Galactus Fans. I called and called, but the current herald insisted the big guy was out eating Skaro or Mondas or Voga the Planet of Gold or something when I was working on this … so you’ll have to catch him over on the Bring on the Bad Guys logo.

Great White North – Marvel 70th Anniversary Alpha Flight Logo

In honor of Fan Expo Canada this weekend … these guys are pretty soo-per, eh?

Bring on the Bad Guys – Marvel 70th Anniversary Villains Logo

The Marvel-teasing hiatus continues with my second take on the Marvel 70th logo … devoted to our favorite bad guys. Dare I say it … BWAH-HA-HA!

Marvel Women 70th Anniversary Logo

Okay … no gentle mockery today. Just a tribute to my favorite women in the Marvel U. And, for those of you questioning Mockingbird’s presence here … I say beware of flying battle staves.

Cap underestimates the mousy girl …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Twelve

After choosing to stay home and whinge about WWII in lieu of going to “She’s All That” with Wasp, Ant-Man and Iron Man, Cap never learns a powerful lesson – in the heart of every smelly, fashion-challenged, beret—wearing, post-modern-art-loving, four-eyed spy girl lies the heart of a lion and the gams of a super model.

Thus began his relationship with Sharon Carter, S.H.I.E.L.D. analyst and asexual gal pal of German Expressionist Puppeteer, Baron Helmut Zemo …

But, cap learned that violence and inherent hotness always bursts forth and prevails over substance and intellect … and Sharon learned it’s always better to be with the quarterback with abs you can grate cheese on.

Helmut never got over the whole “gotta wear a furry fuscha mask at all times” thing. Poor lamb.

Johnny Storm learns it’s always impolite to criticize …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Eleven

While cramming for a royal ball at the Blue Area of the Moon, Johnny pushes The Thing just a bit too far …

But, bowing proper etiquette, Ben  apologizes with a thoughtful note and a freshly-baked rye bread from Shnitzer’s. Awwww …

Wanda Picks the Wrong Lullaby

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Ten

A pleasant evening of maternal magik turns ugly when the Scarlett Witch decides to modify a classic lullaby for Tommy & William to disastrous effect …

Five little mutants jumping on the bed
One fell down and bumped his head
Magnus called the doctor, and the doctor said
No more mutants … jumping … on … the … … …. fuck.

Rick Jones … Sidekick … Enabler

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Nine

With superhuman compassion, Rick helped Dr. Bruce Banner chase the gamma dragon for years, until it became clear, it wasn’t headed in the right direction. The continual moving. The clashes with the PoPo. The waking up in shredded clothing. Hanging out with gamma irradiated freaks. The miles and miles of smashed tanks.

Seeking the help of the good folks at  A & E, Rick arranged an intervention.  After reluctantly agreeing to go to treatment, Dr. Banner was kicked out of the Raft Wellness Center and Day Spa for “hulking out” three times in a week and stealing a pair of purple pants.

Tragically, Rick himself was hospitalized years later after suffering paranoid delusions that he was, in fact, another sidekick from an altnerate universe — Lucas “Snapper” Carr.

Reed Richards picks the wrong grad school …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Eight

Ignoring the sage advice of his State University roommate, Ben Grimm (and Bell Biv DeVoe) — “Never trust a big butt and a smile — an impressionable Reed Richards selects Columbia University because of a well-endowed lab assistant pictured in the university brochure.

This decision places him on a trajectory leading him to an evil lab partner named Victor Von Doom …

… oh, and a truly tragic enrollment in a women’s studies class.

Doctor Doom cheaps out on a babysitter …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Seven

Just popping out for a bit to siphon the Silver Surfer’s power and visit hell, Doctor Doom decides to save a Von Dollar or two and leave his young ward, Kristoff, under the watchful occular lenses of the DoomBots instead of hiring a YMVA-approved babysitter.

He’s faced down world eaters, world beaters and the devil himself, but Victor has met his match in the curiosity of a young boy …

P.S. The little monster lost the Ben Grimm helmet and pants accessories, too. And, he switched the Mr. Fantastic and the Human Torch’s legs. Bastard!

Hawkeye fails third-grade science …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Six

Trapped on an alien world and fighting a secret war for the amusement of a godlike being, Hawkeye seizes the opportunity to show his heroic prowess and tactical skills by leading the charge against Magneto. It’s a chance to impress the hero elite. Charging headline into battle, he carefully scans a throng of his colleagues at the ready to lend him aid and he utters his cry …

“Hold him, Iron Man!”

Clint … “Hold him, Iron Man”!?!?!?! Iron Man!?!?! … against Magneto … the master … of … magnetism. Think hard. Does something seem amiss in your plan? What? You don’t see anything wrong with the plan? Nothing? Really? You see iron is a metal and magnets work on metal like … oh, hell with it. Know what, just stand there and be funny. Thanks.

P.S. Here’s a tip — If you’re ever fighting Galactus — the “Hold him, Ant Man!” strategy is out, too. Mmmm ‘kay?

S.H.I.E.L.D. divisions don’t learn from their mistakes …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Five

Mere weeks after a humiliating attack from the “Pin Ball Wizard,” a S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier fails to adopt new protocols and is breached by Rogue, who after swinging by the Funspot and absorbing the prowess hairstyle of Billy Mitchell confounds the mighty spies with a quarter. She is later heard muttering, “If Wolvie and the Tin Man can have the ‘Fastball Special,” Ah can have the ‘Pac-Man Fevah.’”

Proving that no good espionage lesson can go unshared by divisions, a S.H.I.E.L.D. day spa is compromised by “Joy Stick Heroes” Fred Savage and Christian Slater in 1989. The two are later sued by Janice Olivia Yanizeski, who unwisely seeks the profits from “Hollow Man 2” and “Welcome to Mooseport.”

Quicksilver learns the true meaning of his name …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Four

Ironically late for the weekly Avengers team meeting, Pietro swings through a ramshackle restaurant, El Perro Borracho, in Oaxaca, Mexico, for a little express take out chimichanga and refried beans. Alas, he did not check the sanitation grade on posted under the urinal in the woman’s bathroom (yeah, you heard that right) and upon entering the Avengers Mansion, well … floomp!

Let’s just say the dénouement involves the ever-resourceful Vision fashioning his cape into a makeshift undergarment, some rather unorthodox use of hex magic and a request from Cap that Jarvis arrange for future meetings to be catered by Gunga Diner. (Yeah, you heard that, too.)

Dazzler Fizzles Under Job Interview Jitters …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Three

While competing for a coveted Avengers roster spot, Alison Blaire recycles a joke she heard on an episode of “Scooby Doo” while wearing open toed shoes to a job interview … “Alli, honey, if you have to explain the joke …”

To lighten the clear tension, Jan grabbed castagnettes moments later and taught an impromptu class on belly dancing. And, Natasha and Sue get … well, that’s a story for another day, kids …

Shulkie makes first day faux pas …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day Two

Usually an avid student of pop culture, the Jade Giantess clearly missed the old Head & Shoulders’ aphorism, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” (And, she does look like she’s got a wicked case of split ends, poor dear.)

Just minutes after being voted onto an austere Avengers roster that included Wasp, Cap, Hawkeye, Iron Man and Thor … she lights up … in the Avengers Mansion. “Yeah, umm … Virginia Slim … Mar-Vell like just died of cancer 15 minutes ago, so could you put that thing out? Is that thing even filtered? We don’t all have gamma-irradiated lungs, you know.”

And, seriously, Jenn, what is with with the suit? On your first day at a new job, you borrow an outfit from Dr. Who!?!?!?

    

Iron Man accessorizes …

Marvel’s Greatest Tactical Errors: Day One

A casual conversation between a young Steve Jobs and a wet-behind-the-ears Tony Stark about creating a product that lends itself to “apps” and “accessories” leads to tragic consequences as Iron Man – Mark 2.0 slices, dices, peels, scatters, smothers, covers, chunks, tops, collates, faxes and makes julienne fries …

“Okay, Mr. Rampaging Hulk, I’m going to give you a right good thrashing once I have this hammer attachment up and running. You just stand there and think about the come-uppance you’re going to get whilst I screw this in place.  Shan’t be much longer until I’m ready to give you a proper beating.” Ummm … he’s not fearful because he’s been watching you frakkin’ with that hammer for 12 minutes …

We won’t even get into Mr. Stark’s earlier failures to understand the challenges of taking the Iron Man suit abroad …